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FAQ's
A Twisted
view of boating in Florida
Signs, schmines, who
needs 'em?
Q: Is there a cure for
seasickness?
A:
Yeah. Go sit on the shady side of an old church somewhere
far out in the country.
Q: What should I do if
a shark attacks?
A:
Swim like hell. Remember, you don’t have to out-swim the
shark, just the person next to you.
Q: What’s the best
definition for the ocean?
A: A body of water occupying two-thirds of a world
made for man. Who has no gills.
Q: Is boating as
expensive as they say?
A: Yes. See below.
Yeah, boating costs money...
enlarge
Q: Are there any
cheaper alternatives?
A: Nope. See above.
Q: What’s the big
attraction to boating?
A: Boating is like being in prison. With the added
possibility of drowning.
Q: I’m nervous about
docking, any good advice?
A: Yeah, never dock any faster than you are willing
to hit something.
Always mind the First
Rule Of Docking.
Q: What about buying a
boat as an investment?
A: The general rule is this. If it flies, floats or
fornicates – it’s cheaper to rent.
Q: How much experience
do I need?
A: Experience is how we avoid mistakes. Mistakes are
how we gain experience. Does this answer your question?
We'll call it a "learning
experience".
Q: How dangerous is it
to venture out on the ocean?
A: Like filing your taxes, it’s as dangerous as you
decide to make it.
Q: What about the
Bermuda Triangle?
A: Pure hokum. The main reason for so many mysterious
happenings is due to the Gulf Stream being at its strongest,
and wickedest, as it flows through this so-called triangle.
Toss into the mix hurricanes, inebriation, carelessness,
waterspouts, rogue waves and drug runners. Frankly, it’s a
wonder anyone makes it back alive.
Q: I want to race
boats - how do I get started?
A: Put on a rain jacket. Stand in the shower. Turn on
the cold water. Rip up hundred dollars bills. You are now
sailboat racing. For powerboat racing, substitute thousand
dollar bills.
Q: Do sea-sickness
pills really make you drowsy?
A: Sometimes. But so does the 12-pack you guzzled on
the way to the fishing grounds.
Q: How big a boat do I
need to catch fish?
A: As long as your boat is safe for the sea
conditions, length is irrelevant. Fish have pea-sized brains
and can’t tell the difference between a 20-foot Mako and a
72-foot Rybovich. The silicone-enhanced beauties at the
marina, however, may be a bit more discerning. Though not
necessarily any smarter.
Cojones required. Brains
optional...
Q: How are wave
heights measured?
A: Estimate the distance from the trough to the crest. Then
add 4 feet once safely back at the marina with cold brew in
hand. If trying to impress a female acquaintance, add 6 ft.
They expect us to lie about size anyway.
Q: What is “square
grouper”?
A: Slang for the preferred packing method used by
drug runners, ie, square bales of drugs wrapped in plastic
and duct tape. Square grouper populations have decreased
over time but it’s unlikely they will ever disappear
altogether. Said to be ingestible, there are certain health
and legal consequences one must be aware of.
more info
Q: Should we be
worried about pirates when we’re offshore?
A: There are modern pirates in some parts of the
globe, but not with any frequency in these parts. You face
far more chance of being abducted in a mall parking lot than
offshore in your boat.
Q: What’s the
difference between a nautical mile and a statute mile?
A: A nautical mile is 15% longer than a regular, or statute
mile. Which only partly explains why everything related to
boating costs three times as much.
Q: What happens if I
lose sight of land and get lost?
A: In the rare event that every piece of navigation
gear on your boat fails, just the follow the setting sun
westward. It’s hard to miss North America.
Q: My other passion is
golf. Can the two peacefully co-exist?
A: Not really. Unless you’re Greg Norman, no one has
that much time and money.
Q: Why were hurricanes
originally named after women?
A: Because, as the old joke goes, they both arrive
wet and wild and then leave with your house and car (and
boat).
Q: If I have the right
of way over a much larger commercial vessel and they refuse
to yield, what should I do?
A: Move, dummy. Legal victory is of little
consolation while treading water and awaiting rescue.
There’s a reason commercial guys refer to small pleasure
boats as “barnacle scrapers”.
Don't try this at home
kids
Q: Why are there
always scantily clad, buxom women on go-fast boats?
A: We're not sure. But then again, we're not about to
question it either.
Q: What about
lifejackets.
A: By law you must have one Coast Guard approved PFD
for each person. If there are eight people onboard, you
should have seven life jackets - one for each person except
your mother-in-law.
Q: The chart says 4
foot of depth. Does that mean there’s really going to be 4
foot?
A: Charted depths can vary for many reasons including
wind, moon phase, silting and more. Technically they are a
cartographic AVERAGE of low waters taken over a period of
time, not the lowest ever recorded. Keep in mind the old
proverb about the man who drowned while crossing a river
with an average depth of 2 feet…
That's why they call it "mean
low water"
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